SomberSweet

Today I have finally decided it is time. Time to update the few fragments of the world who may be interested to know what has been going on in my life. Its pretty simple really. I was sick for 5 weeks. Alone most of that time as my fiance was to busy out having fun till 3 or 4 in the morning most nights. I did not want to burdan my few friends with the weight of my emotional pain, so I kept it to myself. Tollerated the way she was treating me, trying to convince myself that once I got better that she would come back. 

I was very wrong. Almost a month ago, after she had stayed out till 4 the night prior, the first day I began to feel better, she came home on her lunch break. I was cleaning up our apartment, in the hopes that after we argued out our issues we could have a romantic evening. But she had no intention of making things okay. She walked up to me and told me it was over. The ensuing argument was all a blur. I remember calling her a stupid bitch, I remember trying to convince her to stay, and I remember crying hysterically. Once she left I found a razor, and slipped back to old habits. I now have 40-some-odd new scars, on my arm and thigh. Luckily I texted my friends, brief messages, but they all ran to my side. They knew that my world had just been shattered. My heart is in pieces still. 

My friends saved me from myself, took me away for a few days, helped me start to put the pieces back together. But there are plenty missing, and some that just wont stay in place. 


I will be moving into an apartment with one of my best friends, who will soon be giving birth to my godson. Things are beginning to come together. 

But still I cry everyday. I can't seem to stop. I loved that woman with all I had! I gave everything to her! I did everything I could to be the prefect girlfriend, the perfect wife! Her family LOVES ME! But she... she doesn't. She hasn't loved me for a long while. And nothing I can ever do will change that. I am just trying to start fresh. 

I am going to start learning white magic, learn to control my medium abilities better, learn to read tarot cards. I am going to start chasing so many of the things I have wanted to do for so long. I am working so hard just to keep my head above water right now. The tiniest upsets push me to tears and no matter how I try I can't seem to really get passed the pain. I spend all of my time that I am not at work or busy high, helps with writing at least. But I am smoking my way through more money than I am using to eat. But seeing as I only eat a small plate of food at work every morning that is not too surprising. But I have lost 15 pounds since all of this started! So yay for that. 


Above all what I am taking away from this is simply that everything has an expiration date. I will never let someone in that much every again. She still didn't know all of me, no one ever has, and even so it is not worth the pain. And I see no reason not to simply indulge in the flesh, as long as it is done safely. I will never be the person I was again. But I think the cynical Cat will be a great improvement. 

Still there is some part of me that makes me terrified to be alone, and grateful that someone is relying on me... that I am needed... for fear of what I might do were I not. I find myself dancing on the cusp of an emotional break through everything I do. 

For 2 and a half weeks now I have been unable to go about normal life. I have almost fainted 4 times. I went to the hospital after almost fainting at work and was simply told I have vertigo, to take motion sickness medicine and wait it out. The motion sickness meds did nothing. So I stopped taking them. Finally at 2 weeks in I managed to get the doctors to tell me they wanted to see me again. They gave me valium, which only made it worse. So I called the doctor again and now I am booked for the epley maneuver. I'm not sure if it will even work. I have tired so many things, and none of worked, ei: ginger, Saint John's Wort, lower salt, no sugar, no caffeine, weird head movements and things. 

They have no idea what is causing this or how to make it go away. I had an accident almost 6 years ago, and hit the back of my head on the ground. Since then I have had a reoccurring ringing in my ears and I get motion sickness. Its been progressing, but I don't know if it could have become vertigo. If the epley maneuver does not work their next step is an MRI. 

I can only occasionally be on the computer, almost never watch tv, and having the fan on is to much to handle. I sit in silence all day long, with my eyes closed stuck in my head. I just feel so alone, and so scared. I don't know what to do. What if this doesn't go away? I'm just so scared!

But I have to try to be tough. I have no choice.